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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27434335">Just a Pause</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pawthorn/pseuds/Pawthorn'>Pawthorn</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Beau being a goddamn hero, Death, Drama, Eisselcross, Friendship, Gen, Hurt Caduceus Clay, Hurt/Comfort, Monk Shit, Past Suicidal Thoughts, Sort Of, Ten years is too long to be alone, When your family uses death to commune with their goddess</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 01:20:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,064</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27434335</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pawthorn/pseuds/Pawthorn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"You mean 'we'll make it,'" Beau said, as an icy feeling crept up her spine. "Right, Deuces? We'll make it out."<br/>"No," he said, and that same soft, grim smile was back. "I meant you."<br/>There was a beat of silence where Beau just breathed.<br/>"What," she said, trying to keep her voice measured even as her thoughts spun out. "Why the fuck do you think I would leave without you?"<br/>"You have to," he said.<br/>"Why?"<br/>"My last question to Melora," Caduceus replied. He looked regretful, almost chagrined.<br/>"What was it?" Beau said, dread creeping up the base of her skull.</p><p>--------------<br/>Beau and Caduceus are lost beneath the snows of Eisselcross, separated from the group. And time is running out for one of them.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Caduceus Clay &amp; Beauregard Lionett, Caduceus Clay &amp; The Mighty Nein</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>98</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>279</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Caduceus Clay Whump Collection</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Purity of Body</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This fic sprang from a conversation that didn't fit into another work. Based on something Taliesin said in talks, about Caduceus family using death as a religious ritual. And that Caduceus took away the wrong lesson from his death during the campaign.<br/>Beau, and her dope Monk abilities, did the rest.<br/>CW for discussion of past suicidal thoughts in Chapter 2. They're tied to religion, but still deeply unhealthy.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Fuck mages.</p>
<p>Seriously.</p>
<p>These assholes built their super special floating city, pissed the gods off, got destroyed, and didn't have the decency to let their magic die with them.</p>
<p>The Mighty Nein had been searching a long forgotten chamber, buried beneath the snow. Not even Caduceus had noticed the symbols carved into the stone floor, not until they suddenly hummed, lit up, and sent out a burst of energy that seemed to shatter reality itself.</p>
<p>She'd come to consciousness with Caduceus patting her cheek, in a dark, unfamiliar chamber. Neither of them new exactly what had happened, where they were, or what had happened to the rest of their friends. Casting had been unreliable among the ruins, so she and Caduceus had agreed to try to find their way out the old fashioned way.</p>
<p>So now, Beau was tromping through endless, twisting tunnels, breathing stale, heavy air, nearly sweating through her layers of winter gear, with Caduceus behind her, walking at a stoop, trying not to hit her in the head with his staff as he used it to light their way.</p>
<p>So fuck mages. Fuck the Age of Arcanum. Fuck Vess Derogna, fuck Lucien, fuck the Assembly, fuck all of Aor, Eisselcross, and the boat that brought them here.</p>
<p>"You doing alright up there?"</p>
<p>Caduceus' low voice rumbled behind her, quiet but resonant in the surrounding stillness.</p>
<p>"Fine," she said tersely, not in the mood to talk. She was doing the best she could to navigate their way out, but there wasn't much to go on. One rough hewn stone passage led to another just the same. Once in a while, a chamber would open to the right or left, but they had all been dusty, empty, useless. Without light or sound from the outside world, it was hard to tell if they were making progress at all.</p>
<p>"It's just, you seem a little out of sorts," Caduceus said breathlessly, trying to keep pace with his quicker companion.</p>
<p>"Wow," she scoffed. "It's scary how insightful you can be. Trapped in an endless maze, separated from our friends, and 'I'm out of sorts.' What gave it away?"</p>
<p>After a few beats of silence, she stopped, closing her eyes and pressing a hand to her forehead.</p>
<p>"Fuck," she said, turning to face him, "Sorry, Deuces. Didn't mean to bite your head off. I know this isn't fun for you either. I'm just fed up. It feels like we've been walking for hours."</p>
<p>"Two hours and forty-six minutes, precisely," Caduceus said. Startled, Beau gave him a sharp look. His face split into a lazy grin. "I'm just kidding, I have no idea how long is been. It's cool when Caleb does that though, isn't it?"</p>
<p>Beau smirked in spite of herself. She sometimes forgot what a shit Caduceus could be.</p>
<p>"Cool isn't the word I'd choose," she said. Her stomach twisted a little as she thought about Caleb, about the rest of their group out there somewhere, maybe in trouble. "We should keep moving."</p>
<p>"Maybe we should take a minute," Caduceus said. "It looks like there's a chamber coming up here. I can try to talk to the Wildmother.”</p>
<p>As she opened her mouth to argue, she got a closer look at Caduceus. He was pale, more so than usual. His face was drawn, and a bit of sweat had gathered at his temples. Maybe a break would be good for them both.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” she said. “Yeah, okay.”</p>
<p>Beau led the way into the next chamber. As Caduceus sat down and set up a ritual, she started searching for any variance, anything that could help get them out of here. The room was small, with dust settled over the floor and cobwebs in the corners. And it was empty. She checked it over three times just to be sure, but there was nothing to help.</p>
<p>Useless.</p>
<p>She threw herself down across from Caduceus in disgust. He was still communing with the Wildmother, and Beau took a moment to look him over again. He really didn't look great. His hair was matted with sweat and dust, his eyes shadowed. She could make out a faint tremble in his limbs, a slump to his posture. Maybe she shouldn't have pushed them so hard.</p>
<p>Despite all of that, his expression was serene, at peace. She envied him that. It had never been easy for her to find focus in stillness- she was a person of action and momentum. She hated not having direction and purpose, which was why their current situation grated on her nerves so much. Hopefully, the Wildmother could help guide them out.</p>
<p>Speaking of which, Caduceus was coming out of his trance. She watched as he blinked, shook himself. An odd smile crossed his face. It was rueful, almost resigned. He tucked it away behind his normal, contented gaze as his eyes focused on Beau.</p>
<p>"Okay," he said. "That was pretty helpful. So, first of all, our friends are okay. And I get the impression that they're pretty close- up above us."</p>
<p>A knot unwound from Beau's chest as she blew out a sign of relief.</p>
<p>"Okay," she said. "Any other good news?"</p>
<p>"Yes," Caduceus said with a warm smile. "We've been on the right path. You've been doing just a great job of leading us. If you keep that focus, keep moving forward, you'll find your way out. It'll take a while, we're in pretty deep. But you'll make it out."</p>
<p>"You mean 'we'll make it,'" Beau said, as an icy feeling crept up her spine. "Right, Deuces? <em> We'll </em> make it out."</p>
<p>"No," he said, and that same soft, grim smile was back. "I meant you."</p>
<p>There was a beat of silence where Beau just breathed.</p>
<p>"What," she said, trying to keep her voice measured even as her thoughts spun out. "Why the fuck do you think I would leave without you?"</p>
<p>"You have to," he said.</p>
<p>"Why?"</p>
<p>"My last question to Melora," Caduceus replied. He looked regretful, almost chagrined.</p>
<p>"What was it?" Beau said, dread creeping up the base of her skull.</p>
<p>"Is all of the air here poison?"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Extort Truth</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Beau scrambles for a solution, and learns some unsettling truths about her friend.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CW: Past thoughts of suicide and ritual suicide</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>"Is all of the air here poison?"</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The words settled over Beau like a cold and creeping fog. She was immune to poison. She didn't even notice it anymore. But Caduceus…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What did she say?” Beau choked out the question.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It's all poison," he grimaced slightly. "Or, enough of it is. Too much for me to make it through. That's what I gather, anyway."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Beau wanted to say ‘hell with it,’ grab Caduceus, and run out of here. Take their chances. But no. She needed to think. She needed more information.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"How long?" She asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"How long has it been affecting me," said Caduceus, calm and collected, as if they were discussing the weather. "Or how long till it kills me?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And people say </span>
  </em>
  <span>I'm </span>
  <em>
    <span>blunt</span>
  </em>
  <span>, she thought, stomach swooping. She swallowed, steeling herself.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Either," she said. "Both."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I felt it when we woke up," Caduceus answered. "The air here, it isn't right. I've been fighting it, but honestly I'm getting a little worn down. I can heal myself, but that only goes so far. I’d say I have… less than an hour. Maybe longer if I'm not running through tunnels."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Beau felt cold all over. She let a flare of righteous anger warm her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, about that,” she said, rising to pace. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me about this earlier?!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It wouldn’t have made a difference,” said Caduceus, still infuriatingly calm.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bullshit!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We still would have had to get out, and sooner rather than later sounded good at the time.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I still deserved to know! l could have helped you!"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You were focused on finding a way out. You didn’t have to split your attention, and you found your way beautifully. You keep that up, you’ll be out in no time.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Stop saying ‘you,' asshole," Beau gritted her teeth. "</span>
  <em>
    <span>We</span>
  </em>
  <span> are going to figure this out and get out of here. Don't you have spells for this? Cast one. Cure yourself."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I could," he said. “Then I breathe again, fight it again, get poisoned again, and I’m back where I started, minus one spell slot.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Okay, fine," she said. "We leave now, book it out. If you fall unconscious before we're out, I'll drag your ass the rest of the way. Then Jester--"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You'll exhaust yourself," Caduceus said, eyes sympathetic. "And you won't be able to focus on navigating your way out. We'd both be lost."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Fuck!" She growled, slamming a fist into the wall. She was running out of ideas, and Caduceus was running out of time.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It's okay, Beau."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"No, it fucking isn't!" She hissed. "How can you just sit there? Do you want to die?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Doesn't matter what I want," he said, shaking his head. "Everything dies. There's no stopping it. I've already died, what, four times now? No, three. Just three. Sorry, getting a little fuzzy."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Beau's turbulent thoughts screeched to a halt.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You've… </span>
  <em>
    <span>what? Three</span>
  </em>
  <span> times?" she sat down hard across from him. "What are you talking about? When?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Well, the first two times with my family," he said casually. "And then, do you remember that time under the City of Beasts? We went down that well, and Veth-- well Nott-- shot an exploding arrow--”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah, I fuckin' remember you </span>
  <em>
    <span>dying</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Caduceus," Beau said, fists clenching. "What do you mean, 'with your family?' Were you attacked?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"What? Oh. No," Caduceus waved his hand dismissively. "It's a whole thing. Part of a ritual. You drink the special tea, you go under, Melora speaks, Corrin pops you back up."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Beau stared at Caduceus.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Huh,</span>
  </em>
  <span> she thought vaguely. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Guess this is what it's like to be Stunned.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"It's really not a big deal," Caduceus said, shifting under the weight of her silent stare. "The Wildmother sends visions, when you pass beyond the veil, so we step behind it for a moment. I even thought about trying it on my own. A while after Belle and Colton left.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“On your own,” Beau echoed numbly. “You thought about trying to…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Caduceus sighed vaguely, brow wrinkling in frustration. “I needed guidance. Everything was staying the same, no one was coming back, nothing I did made a difference. I thought that crossing over for a time might help. Coming back would’ve been a problem though. I played around a bit with some different herbs, mushrooms, things that would slow things down, others that could bring me back around after a while. Never got a combination I was really happy with so… hey, wait a minute, that's an idea. That could work, Beau-- Beau?"</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Beau floated, queasy and disconnected, momentarily lost in a world where she and the rest of the group had arrived at the Blooming Grove to find it still and silent. Where no tousled, pink head had emerged from the door, offering tea and too few mugs and help, no questions asked. Where they had found a body there instead, and never even got to know him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>No Caduceus to help them at the Sour Nest, or rescue his family along with countless others. No gentle hands to pick them up and keep them fed and laugh at their foolishness with them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Who would have saved Fjord from Uk’otoa?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Who would have stood up to Ikithon?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Who would have… been Caduceus?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The guy that wouldn’t come to the library if he couldn’t bring his bone flute.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The guy that tried to hug the Inevitable End.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The guy that called Beau a monster for adding too much salt to a meal.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Quietly gone from the world, unnoticed and unmourned.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>By his own hand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Faith could make a person do dangerous things, she knew that. So could loneliness.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So could despair.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They often saw Caduceus as the stable one. The guy with everything figured out. Sometimes, the fact that he was fucked up too hit her like a fist to the gut.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Caduceus,” she whispered, unsure what else to say. She wanted to say </span>
  <em>
    <span>something</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but she wasn’t good at this, and they didn’t have </span>
  <em>
    <span>time</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Are you back with me?" He asked, clueless as to what had stricken her silent.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Yeah," she said, blinking rapidly. "Yeah, I'm with you, Deuces."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Looked like you went somewhere for a minute there," he said, peering at her curiously. "Wherever it was didn't seem fun."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"No," she grimaced. "Not fun at all."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>And it'll be reality soon, if you don't hurry up, </span>
  </em>
  <span>she realized. Life without Caduceus was painful to imagine, but it was becoming a more likely outcome with every shaky breath he took.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Figure out his family-induced damage and help fix his shitty self-image later.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Save his skinny ass NOW.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"You said you had an idea?"</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for all the kudos and reviews! They mean a lot.<br/>And, sorry, but you guys fed it too much encouragement, and it grew. It's gonna be four chapters.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Empty Body</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A plan is formed, and Beau makes a journey in the dark.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"So, there's a spell," Caduceus said slowly, hesitating to say more.</p>
<p>"Go on," said Beau, anxiously. "What's it do?"</p>
<p>"Weeeeell," he said, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'd have to cast it as a ritual. I don't have it prepared. Actually, I don't think I've <em> ever </em> prepared it before..."</p>
<p>"Spit it out, Caduceus," Beau snapped. "We don't have time to tiptoe around whatever it is you don’t want to tell me.” </p>
<p>“I just don’t think you’re going to like it very much,” he said, ears drooping. “It… well, basically, it switches a creature off. They stop breathing, the heart stops. If I cast it on myself, for all intents and purposes, I would be…”</p>
<p>“Dead,” Beau said, skin crawling. “How exactly does that help us?”</p>
<p>“Because it only lasts an hour,” Caduceus hurried to explain. “After that, I’d wake up. And, most importantly, the poison wouldn’t affect me while I was under. You’d have time to get to the others, maybe come up with a plan to get me out safely.”</p>
<p>“But,” said Beau. “You said it’s going to take a while to get out of here. More than an hour.”</p>
<p>“When I wake up, I can heal a little, then cast the spell again,” Caduceus said. There was a tightness around his eyes and tension in his shoulders as he spoke. “And again, if I need to. It’ll take ten minutes, but I won’t even be using a spell slot.”</p>
<p>Beau’s gut reaction was to say ‘no.’ In light of everything she had learned about Caduceus and his relationship to death, it seemed like a bad idea. The thought of him, alone, deep underground, putting himself under over and over again, just waiting for someone to come back for him…</p>
<p>Then again, she didn’t have a better plan</p>
<p>“What if we went a little further?” she asked. “Wait to do it till you absolutely have to?”</p>
<p>“We could,” he replied. “But then, we would only get one shot at it. If I’m at death’s door when I cast it, I won’t be able to last ten full minutes to recast it once I wake up. Also, it seems pretty safe here. If there are creatures or other dangers in the tunnels ahead… the spell doesn’t protect against physical damage. Or against scavengers that might think I’m an easy meal.”</p>
<p>Beau’s stomach lurched.</p>
<p>“There could be scavenger’s here too,” she rasped.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Caduceus said, grimacing.</p>
<p>“Fuck that,” Beau said. “Cast it now, and I’ll make a harness and pull you with me.”</p>
<p>“It’ll take you twice, maybe three times as long, assuming you can do it at all. And if we run into trouble--”</p>
<p>“I won’t leave you here alone!” Beau turned away, embarrassed at the sudden wetness of her eyes.</p>
<p>“Beau,” Caduceus said, voice warm and gentle. “It’ll be okay. I don’t mind being alone. I’m used to it. I’m comfortable there.”</p>
<p>Beau felt ice in her gut.</p>
<p>“Don’t do that,” she whispered. “Not with me. Not now.”</p>
<p>Silence spread between them.</p>
<p>“You're right,” Caduceus sighed. His hands were shaking. “I’m not okay with it. Frankly, I’m terrified. But honestly, I think that this is my best chance. I’ve crossed over three times already. If I die again, coming back could be… tricky. I'm not afraid of death, but I don't want to leave you all. You've got a lot left to do, and I want to be there to help." </p>
<p>"You can say 'we,' you know," Beau said. "'We have a lot left to do.' You're a part of us."</p>
<p>"I know," said Caduceus, a little sheepishly. "I'm working on that."</p>
<p>Beau thought for a moment, aware that Caduceus was slipping away with every passing second.</p>
<p>"I still don't like it," she said.</p>
<p>"I don't like it either," he shrugged. "I don't want to stay here alone. But I know you'll do your best to get back to me. And your best is quite impressive. I wouldn't bet against you."</p>
<p>She snorted a little, but it was stifled and wet.</p>
<p>“Jester wouldn’t leave you here,” she said, wiping her nose. “Or Fjord, or Yasha. I’m not sure anyone else would. Except me.”</p>
<p>“Then it’s a good thing it’s you here,” Caduceus said, warm and sincere. “And I’m grateful. Sometimes, you do things the rest of us can’t. Or won’t.”</p>
<p>“What does that make me?” she said, feeling hollow and old.</p>
<p>“It makes you <em> you </em>,” Caduceus said. “Whether you take it as a gift or a curse is up to you. I know which I’m inclined toward.”</p>
<p>Beau held herself for a moment, letting his words sink in. Then, she lunged forward to wrap her arms around Caduceus’ thin form. He rocked back slightly then, wrapped her up in his long arms, pulling her in and holding her close.</p>
<p>She stayed there, fixing the moment in her mind, capturing him in her mind’s eye and tucking the memory of him away. Just in case.</p>
<p>She pulled away, not bothering to hide her tears. She knew Caduceus wouldn’t think less of her for it. His face wasn’t exactly dry either.</p>
<p>“Shit, man,” she said. “You give really good hugs.”</p>
<p>“I was about to say the same about you,” Caduceus smiled. “You should do it more often, in the future.”</p>
<p>“Maybe,” she said. “If you’re there to remind me.”</p>
<p>“That’s fair,” he said with a soft smile.</p>
<p>Caduceus turned away and began pulling out materials for the ritual. Beau rose and gathered her things. She needed to leave now, before she had a chance to change her mind. As she reached the door, Caduceus’ voice stopped her.</p>
<p>“If you can’t find a way to come back safely, don’t do it,” he said. “Just move on.”</p>
<p>Beau shook her head, smirking as she lowered her Darkvision Goggles.</p>
<p>“Yeah, sure, Caduceus, whatever you say,” she said, looking back at him. “We’re the Mighty Nein! Known across Wildemount for staying safe and letting things go.”</p>
<p>Caduceus shook his head, but there was a smile tugging at his mouth.</p>
<p>“Well,” he sighed. “It was worth a shot.”</p>
<p>“It really wasn’t,” she said, giving him one last nod. “See you soon.”</p>
<p>With that, Beau turned into the darkness and ran.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And ran.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And ran.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>She knew that she needed to focus to find her way out. She knew that the monks of the Cobalt Soul would tell her to clear her mind, to find serenity in stillness.</p>
<p>
  <em>Fuck that. </em>
</p>
<p>Instead, she harnessed her emotions and let them fuel her. Caduceus was counting on her. Her friends were ahead of her. She was the only one who could bring them together again.</p>
<p>She <em> would not fail </em>.</p>
<p>She pushed her legs as fast as they could go, heedless of the hours she had spent walking already, heedless of uneven footing and twisting passageways. Her feet scarcely touched the ground, nearly noiseless in the still and endless tunnels.</p>
<p>Her mind worked as tirelessly as her body, keen eyes scanning the darkness for any sign or clue. She discerned patterns in the paths of a long-forgotten people. Speed became an ally as she pressed forward, trusting her instincts, relying on her subconscious intuition, never second-guessing herself.</p>
<p>She lost herself in the moment, with no sense of time or distance, no room in her reality for anything other than the task at hand. Until at last…</p>
<p>"...no way of knowing where…"</p>
<p>Beau stopped as the muffled voice faded. Fjord. She backtracked a few yards until she heard it again. Now it was Jester speaking. Now Caleb. Looking up, she could make out the edges of a trap door, carved out of stone in the ceiling above.</p>
<p>She leaned against the wall, catching her breath as tears of relief slipped down her cheeks. Then, she scrubbed a hand across her face and tilted her head back.</p>
<p>"HEEEEEEEEY!"</p>
<p>Her ragged cry echoed around her, and provoked surprised noises from her friends above.</p>
<p>"IT'S ME," she yelled. "OVER HERE."</p>
<p>As she heard her friends gathering around and preparing to lift the stone, she sank to the ground, cradling her head in her hands.</p>
<p><em> Hold on, Caduceus, </em> she thought. <em> I found them. Just hold on a little longer. </em></p>
<p>With a heavy, grating sound, the stone came free. Beau rose, shielding her eyes as a shaft of light descended from above.</p>
<p>"Ugh," she heard Fjord coughing and gagging, "What <em> is </em>that?"</p>
<p>
  <em> Shit. </em>
</p>
<p>Quick as a flash, she sprinted up the wall, launching herself through the hole and landing gracefully among her friends.</p>
<p>"Close it!" She yelled. "The air down there is poison! Close it, close it!"</p>
<p>Yasha and Jester were already dragging the stone back to the hole. It fell into place with a loud thunk.</p>
<p>For a moment no one moved.</p>
<p>"Beau! Oh my gosh!"</p>
<p>Jester barreled into her, and the rest of her friends followed. There were hugs and shoulder clasps and gentle touches of reassurance. Jester's arms and Fjord's shoulder and Veth's voice and Caleb's hand and Yasha's eyes. For a moment, Beau let herself drink it in. This was what coming home felt like.</p>
<p>But they hadn't all made it home yet.</p>
<p>"Oh Beau," Jester said, smiling through tears. "We were so worried."</p>
<p>"We woke up scattered," Caleb said. "In the first few hours, we all found each other. But we couldn't find you. Or…"</p>
<p>"Have you seen Caduceus?" Fjord asked. She watched the hope in his gaze turn to fear as her expression shifted. Against her will, her eyes flickered toward the trapdoor. Jester saw it too.</p>
<p>"Oh no," Jester gasped.</p>
<p>Fjord didn't waste time with words. He summoned Star Razor and started trying to pry the trapdoor back open.</p>
<p>"Fjord, stop!" Said Beau, rushing forward. "It's poison down there!"</p>
<p>"I'll hold my breath," he said, still intent on jamming his legendary sword into a crack in the floor.</p>
<p>"Hey!" She yelled, grabbing his elbow. "Do you really think I would have just left him down there if it was as simple as that!? Come on, Fjord!"</p>
<p>He froze at that, eyes snapping to meet Beau's. Anxiously, he searched her gaze. Then, he looked away, sighing as his shoulders slumped. He dismissed the sword. Beau put a hand on his shoulder as Jester approached.</p>
<p>"Where is he then?" She asked, voice shaking. "What happened?"</p>
<p>"I left him in a room down below," Beau said. "He has a spell that's giving him some protection, but he's uh… he's kind of deep under while it's up. I don't know how long I ran to get here, but I'll do what I can to lead you back to him. Anybody got a way to keep from being poisoned?"</p>
<p>For a moment, there was silence.</p>
<p>"Well, we may not have to," Jester said, wiping her face. "Beau, do you remember, did you have to travel upward much from where he was? Were there stairs?"</p>
<p>"It's uh… kind of a blur," Beau squeezed her eyes shut, pressing a fist to her forehead. She focused her foggy mind, thinking back through her journey in the dark. "No stairs. It went up… a bit. Sloping at different points."</p>
<p>"More than 1000 ft total?" Jester asked.</p>
<p>"No way," Beau said. "Not even close."</p>
<p>"Okay," Jester said. "Well, if you can give us some direction from up here, I can use Locate Object to find him. I’ll cast it on his hat! No… he doesn’t always wear it, even though he should. It’s cold here...”</p>
<p>She paused, hands wringing and mouth quivering.</p>
<p>“Cast it on his staff,” Beau said. “I know he has that.”</p>
<p>"Once you’ve found him, we can get at him from above," Caleb nodded.</p>
<p>"Yeah," Jester nodded, straightening. "I have Stone Shape."</p>
<p>"And I can use the Cat's Paw to help," Caleb said.</p>
<p>"I can fly down and get him," said Yasha.</p>
<p>"And I can cure the poison," said Fjord.</p>
<p>"And I can… help Beau," said Veth.</p>
<p>“Okay,” said Beau, taking in the space around them. It was a large, open chamber with a high ceiling. She could just make out connecting halls in the darkness at the edge of her vision. She stood on the trap door and cast her mind back to the tunnels below.</p>
<p>“That way,” she said, and she led Jester and the other’s forward at a quick pace.</p>
<p>“Let’s go get our boy.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Oooookay. So, credit where credit is due.<br/>I gave Caduceus some of Beau's dialogue from earlier in the campaign, 'cause I like parallels. I also stole a snidgit of dialogue--but more the idea behind the dialogue--from Leverage: The Long Way Down job. Because it wouldn't leave me alone and insisted on butting into this fic.<br/>The spell Caduceus ritual casts is Feign Death.</p>
<p>Again, thank you for reading, and for the kudos and truly lovely comments.<br/>One chapter left to wrap things up... I hope to get it finished tomorrow or Thursday.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Stillness of Mind</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A rescue and the fallout.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CW: Some more discussion of death, past ritual suicide, unhealthy thoughts, and self-worth issues.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They had been traveling for over an hour when Beau heard Caleb’s voice whisper inside her head.</p>
<p>
  <em> Whatever it is you’re not telling us, I’m sure you have your reasons. But we need to know what we’re getting into here. Maybe make it sooner rather than later. </em>
</p>
<p>Fuck.</p>
<p>He was right, of course, and she was a massive hypocrite. She had yelled at Caduceus for holding back information because he didn’t want her to worry, and now she was doing the same thing with the rest of the Nein. They needed to know Caduceus’ true condition. If they found him lifeless-- no breath, no heartbeat-- before Beau told them about the spell Caduceus cast… she could only imagine their reactions.</p>
<p>Caleb was still waiting for an answer.</p>
<p>“Once we locate him,” she whispered, letting the magic carry her words to their wizard. “I’ll tell you all then. Let’s focus on figuring out where he is first.”</p>
<p>There was no reply. She glanced back toward him and caught his eye. His expression was grim, but he gave her a slight nod. He trusted her.</p>
<p>Stomach twisting, Beau turned back to the task at hand. Caleb trusted her, Caduceus trusted her, the whole group was counting on her to lead them back to their firbolg friend.</p>
<p>She had always worked well under pressure, but this felt like a bit much.</p>
<p>She continued on, holding back her speed for the group, trying to visualize the dark passages below. Trying not to think about Caduceus, alone and vulnerable, or how many times he may have already woken up, surrounded by darkness and stone, choking on the air around him. How many times he had recast the ritual, using the Wildmother’s magic to stop his own heart.</p>
<p>Right. That was all the stuff she <em> wasn’t </em>thinking about…</p>
<p>After another hour or so of walking, she slowed and beckoned to Jester.</p>
<p>“Okay,” Beau said, “Cast it now. Let’s find him.”</p>
<p>Jester nodded, and pulled out her symbol of the Traveler. She mumbled a prayer, gesturing in the air with one hand as she held the pendant before her, dangling from the its chain. She watched it intently for a few moments, then looked back to Beau, shaking her head.</p>
<p>“I think we need to get closer,” she said.</p>
<p>“Okay,” Beau nodded. “This way.”</p>
<p>They moved forward, more slowly now, with Jester’s eyes locked on the symbol. Beau tried to keep her focus ahead, but her eyes were continually pulled back to Jester-- checking for any reaction or sign that they were getting closer. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see the others doing the same.</p>
<p>A minute went by.</p>
<p>Then two.</p>
<p>Three.</p>
<p>After five minutes, Beau was trying hard not to panic.</p>
<p>Jester could recast the spell once its ten minutes was up, but Beau had thought they were close. If she was wrong, if they had gone in the wrong direction and Caduceus was lost down there, waiting for a rescue that would never come…</p>
<p>“Oh!” Jester exclaimed.</p>
<p>Beau turned to look. The Traveler’s symbol was moving, as if an invisible force was tugging it. It rose, pulling the chain taut, straining in a direction slightly to their left.</p>
<p>Beau’s chest seemed to pop and fizz, relief warming her from the inside out. The rest of the group was exclaiming and smiling around her as Jester stepped forward to lead them on.</p>
<p>Almost dizzy with relief, Beau took a deep breath. She had done it. Her best had been good enough, and they were almost there.</p>
<p>After a few minutes more, she looked up at as Fjord cried out in dismay. The pendant had dropped, and now swung lifelessly from it’s chain. Beau’s own stomach swooped with it.</p>
<p>“It’s alright,” Jester reassured them. “I just need to recast it.”</p>
<p>Beau breathed out a heavy sigh, steadying herself. She caught Fjord’s eye as he did the same, and he gave her a sheepish shrug. They had all known the spell would end soon, but it was still upsetting to watch their only tie to Caduceus falter. Fortunately, the symbol sprang forward once more as Jester finished recasting the spell, and they set off again.</p>
<p>They had just entered a wide open hall when Jester stopped short. The pendant was hanging straight downward, taut and quivering, straining toward the ground. With a flourish, Jester cut the spell off and tucked the symbol away.</p>
<p>“Okay," she said, rolling up her sleeves. "Let's get him!"</p>
<p>"Hold on," said Beau, grabbing her arm. Her friends looked at her with varying degrees of concern and nervousness. "Before you do anything, you need to know- the spell that Caduceus cast to protect himself from the poison… it’ll make him seem dead. But he’s not! He just… won’t be breathing. And his heart won’t beat. But he’ll wake up when the spell ends. So... don’t freak out.”</p>
<p>None of her friends seemed very happy with this revelation, but all nodded with grim understanding. Jester’s mouth was set in a determined line.</p>
<p>“Yasha, get ready,” she said. “Once you bring him back up, I’ll use the spell to seal the stone, so the poison doesn’t keep coming up.”</p>
<p>Yasha nodded, standing close by.</p>
<p>Jester clutched her holy symbol and touched the stone floor. It rippled and shifted, pulling back like rough fabric to form a five foot hole. Immediately, she and Yasha gagged on the vapors creeping out. Beau peered down.</p>
<p>“<em>Fuck! </em>” she cursed. About twelve feet down was another layer of stone, separating them from Caduceus.</p>
<p>Beside her, Caleb <em> growled. </em></p>
<p>“Out of our <em>way, </em>” he hissed, pointing at the stone below. A thin green ray sprang from his fingertip, striking the solid rock. For a moment, nothing seemed to happen. Then, it dissolved into a fine grey powder, catching the upward current of air and drifting out of the hole like ash, falling around them.</p>
<p>
  <em> There. </em>
</p>
<p>Another fifteen feet or so down. A pale figure, prone on the ground, unmoving.</p>
<p>
  <em> Caduceus. </em>
</p>
<p>In a flash of white, Yasha’s wings took form, and she was gone, diving into the hole. She plunged through the swirling motes of disintegrated stone, scooping up Caduceus and his possessions, then surging back upwards with a powerful beat of her wings. She burst out, and the stone snapped shut behind her at Jester’s command. Veth swiped Beau’s Wind Fan away and began dispersing the noxious air, as Yasha landed about thirty feet away, Caduceus cradled gently in her arms.</p>
<p>Fjord was already sprinting forward. He fell to his knees and placed a hand on Caduceus’ chest. His other hand gripped the intricate holy symbol on his cloak. He muttered a prayer, and seagreen light billowed from his palm to settle over Caduceus. He stared at his friend’s still form for a moment before shaking himself and laying a hand on Yasha. The WIldmother’s power washed over her, neutralizing the poison affecting her as well.</p>
<p>Beau and the rest of the Nein hurried over.</p>
<p>“Anybody else need poison taken care of?” Fjord asked, but his eyes hardly strayed from Caduceus’ face.</p>
<p>“I’m good,” said Jester, glancing toward Caleb and Veth, who both nodded in agreement.</p>
<p>Silence fell. Yasha still held Caduceus in her arms. He was utterly quiet and unmoving.</p>
<p>Lifeless.</p>
<p>“How do we know that he’s not really dead?” Veth asked.</p>
<p>Jester looked at her with wide eyes. Fjord swallowed hard.</p>
<p>“Veth…” Caleb sighed.</p>
<p>“What?” she said. “I don’t like saying it either, but what if the spell ended or failed and the poison killed him? We would need to bring him back! How long are we going to wait, hoping he’ll wake up on his own?”</p>
<p>“An hour,” Beau said. “The spell was supposed to last an hour.”</p>
<p>“Beau,” Jester whispered in horror. “He was down there for a lot longer than that.”</p>
<p>“I know,” she said. She couldn’t quite meet her friends’ eyes. “He was going to keep ritual-casting it. As many times as he needed.”</p>
<p>No one spoke. Abruptly, Fjord stood, stony-faced.</p>
<p>“I’m going to keep watch,” he said, striding a few yards away and beginning to circle the chamber.</p>
<p>“I’ll try making the Tower,” Caleb said. “Casting has gone alright so far, maybe our luck will hold.”</p>
<p>And hold it did. Soon they were all stepping through the doorway of the Nine-Sided Tower.</p>
<p>Caduceus hadn’t woken yet.</p>
<p>Yasha went to the center of the tower with the firbolg's lanky form tucked snugly in her arms. Without a word, she floated up to the floor she shared with Caduceus and made her way to his room. The others trailed after.</p>
<p>It was different from the first time they had seen it. There was now an assortment of smaller chairs and couches in the antechamber, as well as a Caduceus sized bed. Jester pulled back the covers, and Yasha settled him in, brushing his hair from his forehead as Veth tucked the blankets in around him.</p>
<p>The kettle was already boiling. Fjord went to make tea, looking pale and shaken. When he accidentally broke two cups and spilled tea leaves across the floor, Yasha pulled him away to spar in her room. Veth took over the tea, and Jester wandered to the adjoining room. She said she wanted to sketch the mushrooms and beetles.</p>
<p>Beau and Caleb settled in, keeping watch over Caduceus.</p>
<p>“Hey, Caleb,” she said quietly. “How old do you think he is?”</p>
<p>“Hard to say,” Caleb said, mouth quirking slightly. “His idea of time isn’t the most… linear. And firbolgs age differently from you and me. He will survive us by centuries.”</p>
<p>“Maybe,” Beau grimaced.</p>
<p>“He will,” Caleb said.</p>
<p>“I think of him as, like, a wise old sage,” said Beau. “But seeing him like this… he looks so young. Younger than Jester, even.”</p>
<p>“I’ve thought the same,” Veth arrived with a tray of tea. “Seeing him with his family made me realize… he’s just a kid, really.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, his family...” Beau snatched a cup and leaned back with it. She took a gulp, ignoring the way the hot liquid seared her throat.</p>
<p>She watched Veth and Caleb trade glances. A silent conversation passed between them before Veth stood.</p>
<p>"I'll go see if Jester wants tea," she said, grabbing two cups and slipping into the side room.</p>
<p>Caleb watched her go, then turned back to Beau, canting an eyebrow.</p>
<p>"Something on your mind?" He asked.</p>
<p><em>Yes</em>, Beau thought. <em>Just thinking about how</em> <em>Caduceus' family thought it was okay for him to die </em>twice<em>, and then he nearly killed himself </em>again<em> when he was alone in the Grove, and I'm not convinced that was only about getting information from the Wildmother. And he just spent hours completely alone casting death magic on himself, so I'm sure </em>that<em> didn't bring up any trauma.</em></p>
<p>But Caduceus was a weirdly private guy. He had been hurt, afraid, <em> dying </em> when he told her all of that. It felt like a betrayal to bring it up around the others. Still…</p>
<p>“Okay,” she said. “Say there’s somebody who makes a choice when they’re young. But it’s not really a choice, because they’re a kid, and all the people that matter to them say it’s normal and right.”</p>
<p>Caleb’s eyes grew sharp and wary. She hated bringing this up with him, of all people, but his past experience could actually help.</p>
<p>“So they do something unhealthy,” she continued. “Like kind of... really messed-up. But they think it’s okay. And you don’t want to come across as ignorant and intolerant… but at the same time, it’s kind of all wrapped up in some unhealthy self-perception stuff, you know? So how do you tell them that? How do you say, ‘you need to treat yourself better’ without getting waved off?”</p>
<p>“Heh,” Caleb let out a humorless laugh. He glanced at Caduceus, brows furrowed, then back at Beau. “Well, I can only speak from experience, but I suppose you show them. Show them that they are worth something. Show them that the things of the past do not dictate who they are today. That they are valuable and needed, for more than what they can give.”</p>
<p>“How do I do that?” Beau asked.</p>
<p>“By being his friend,” Caleb said warmly. “The same way you and the rest of these assholes have done for me. I’m not all the way there, but, thanks to this family, I’m better than before. I’d say the same is true for… whomever it is you were talking about.”</p>
<p>She remembered Caduceus’ words down below-- his honesty, his fear, his faith. Maybe Caleb was right.</p>
<p>“I’m going to go check on Veth and Jester,” Caleb said. “There’s a lot of ammunition for mischief in that room, and they've been entirely too quiet."</p>
<p>He stood, but put a hand on her shoulder before leaving.</p>
<p>"Caduceus isn't the only one who's been through a lot today," he said. "If you need to talk, I'm here. If you need to punch something… maybe try Fjord."</p>
<p>"I'll keep that in mind," she said, smirking. She watched him disappear into the side room.</p>
<p>She stayed.</p>
<p>And so, Beau was the only one present when Caduceus finally opened his eyes.</p>
<p>For a moment, she just stared in surprise. Then his eyes met hers, and she scrambled for something to say.</p>
<p>"He-hey, Caduceus," she reached forward to clasp his hand. "Welcome back. Are you okay? Do you need tea? Or food? Should I get a cat to bring something? Oh shit, I should get the others--"</p>
<p>She turned to go, but halted abruptly when Caduceus' hand clamped tightly around hers.</p>
<p>"Beau," he said. "I'm alright. Just... stay a minute. Please."</p>
<p>She sat down on the bed beside him, taking his hand in both of hers.</p>
<p>“We’re in the tower,” he said, steadily. Too steadily. “I don’t feel poisoned anymore, so it seems like someone handled that. You said the others… they’re alright? All of them?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, Deuces,” she nodded. “They got you out. They were here but… I think they all needed to distract themselves. It was hard, seeing you like that.”</p>
<p>“But you stayed anyway,” Caduceus smiled.</p>
<p>“Well,” Beau shrugged. “I’ve been informed that sometimes, I do what other people can’t. And that makes me a goddamn gift to the world.”</p>
<p>“Who told you that?” Caduceus looked genuinely confused. Beau’s stomach dipped, thinking his memory had been affected somehow. Then, she saw a familiar glint in his eye.</p>
<p>“Oh my-- you are <em> such </em>an asshole,” she said. She barely held herself back from punching him.</p>
<p>“I know,” he smirked. “Thanks for saving me anyway.”</p>
<p>She smiled back.</p>
<p>“Anytime,” she said. “Seriously.”</p>
<p>Silence fell between them for a few moments.</p>
<p>“Caduceus,” Beau said slowly. “What you said down there. What happened with your family, and while you were in the Grove alone… I know it’s like, part of your religion, how you talked to your goddess, but... there's nothing the Wildmother could say that's worth you dying. Even temporarily. You know that, right?”</p>
<p>Caduceus sat up, releasing Beau’s hand and pulling his knees into his chest. She could see him processing, gathering the threads of his thoughts before he answered.</p>
<p>“I think I’m starting to,” he said. “Growing up in the Garden, among the graves, hearing the stories, seeing my family’s legacy, knowing that we were a gift to the Wildmother… I thought I knew about the world. I thought I knew my place in it, and what my life had to offer. Now… I’m not so sure. There’s so much potential out there, and to cut that short… now it seems like a disservice to the Wildmother. And to my family, my friends.”</p>
<p>“And to yourself?” Beau pressed.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Caduceus said, eyes serious. “That too.”</p>
<p>“Good to hear,” Beau said. “And if you need to talk about… any of it. What happened down there, what happened before… I mean I recommend Yasha or Jester or maybe Veth, but I’ve got ears too. So. Don’t hesitate.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” he said, “Maybe not just yet, but yeah. Same goes for you.”</p>
<p>“Thanks, Deuces,” she pulled him in for a hug. “I’m really glad you’re okay.”</p>
<p>“CADUCEUS!” Jester rocketed in to hit them from the side and wrap them in an enthusiastic embrace. Veth and Caleb trailed close behind, and a few moments later, Fjord and Yasha burst in, sweat streaked and winded from their interrupted sparring. Apparently the walls weren’t <em> that </em>soundproof.</p>
<p>Hands were clasped and hugs given as everyone reassured themselves that Caduceus was here, alive and whole. Yasha and Fjord flooded him with all the healing they had, and even Jester burnt a few spell slots.</p>
<p>“Look, Caduceus,” she said excitedly. “I used my paints to make you a new hat! Caleb and Veth helped me mix some of the glowy-stuff in, and we think it will stay even after the tower is gone. And see, it has these special flaps for your ears.”</p>
<p>Veth and Jester helped Caduceus try on his new phosphorescent hat, as Fjord wondered aloud if it would hurt their ability to remain stealthy. Caleb stepped aside, speaking softly with one of his cats, ordering an elaborate and entirely vegetarian meal and hot cocoa for everyone. Yasha butted-in to request pancakes and bugs.</p>
<p>Beau sighed and sunk into a chair, contented. This was her family. This was home.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Wooooow.<br/>Thank you all so much for the encouragement. It really made this lil baby fic grow!<br/>I hope you enjoyed reading this, and that this was a satisfying conclusion.<br/>Thanks again for reading, for the kudos and comments. They really mean a lot :)</p>
        </blockquote><div class="children module" id="children">
  <b class="heading">Works inspired by this one:</b>
  <ul>
    <li>
        <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27900766">The Richest Firbolg in Town</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/allmadeofstardust/pseuds/allmadeofstardust">allmadeofstardust</a>
    </li>
  </ul>
</div></div></div>
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